Abstract
You all, I’m sure, have had frustrating experiences with tele-banking, which make you want to just slam down the phone receiver. But few have made any serious attempt to try to correct the situation or make life easier to deal with institutions. Why not give this a try?, asks Arjun Singh Arora.
The other day, I, like many of you, was attempting to reach a customer service officer at a bank in another city to inquire about the best way to send a payment to that bank. First of all, I am not an illegal immigrant. And I don’t have an account or a credit card issued by that bank, which may classify me as some sort of an unwanted person. For 20 minutes, I pushed buttons which I was instructed by a recording to push. I was asked for my account number, my password, and my PAN number among other things. But no button led me to a human being who could tell me how to reach the officer I was seeking.
You all, I’m sure, have had similar frustrating experiences, which make you want to just slam down the phone receiver. But few have made any serious attempt to try to correct the situation or make life easier to deal with institutions. One senior, however did take steps to get her way. She is 86 years old, and this is what she wrote to her bank:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay for my computer last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between the person presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting from my account Rs 60 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you may nominate. Be aware it is an offence under the Indian Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached a Contact Application which your chosen employee should fill in. I’m sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone banking service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
- IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH.
- #1. To make an appointment to see me.
- #2. To query a missing payment.
- #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
- #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
- #5. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
- #6. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised Contact.
- #7. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous Financial New Year?